Oh! I missed you all so much!
Sally!
Oh, Harry!
Tommy, oh!
A woman I've never seen before!
When I was a kid, I-I wanted to be a singer.
You know, a torch singer, like Peggy lee,
or Ella Fitzgerald.
I even had a stage name picked out.
Marlena Albrecht.
Marlena...
smoky room,
martini in my hand,
spotlight, just me, center stage...
with a hep cat backing you up
on a stand-up bass.
Ba-dum, doom, dum, doom, dum, doom, doom.
I'd wear gloves...
long, black gloves.
I'd have an opium problem.
Slap that bass.
Boom, boom, boom.
You are some messed up white people.
Why?
The Tv is off.
Yeah, I turned it off.
Well, but, now it's off.
We have a mission.
We didn't come to this planet
to watch television.
Yeah, but it's given us a reason to stay.
Dr. Solomon is just as bizarre as Harry,
and he's completely self-Centered.
Oh, don't be absurd.
Behold the glory that is me!
I'm creating a new society.
Our society!
I call it Dick-Sylvania!
Watch, watch--
as I become the most obnoxious, repulsive,
creep, any woman has ever met!
Wow!
I haven't done it yet!
This rock and roll music has got to stop!
Why?
Because it's loud and rhythmic,
and rhythm can lead to dancing.
Rock and roll music
preaches a gospel of easy sexuality
and relaxed morality
and I will not endorse
an enterprise which is as fraught
with peril as I believe this one to be!
Dick, this guy's kind of a big shot,
so when you meet him, try not to act so...
brilliant? No.
Athletic?
Well, N...
gorgeous?
Weird. Weird as in sexy?
Why does everybody keep saying that we're weird?
Go! Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug!
Stella!
Harry!
Oh! You got your trout in my peanut butter.
Your peanut butter got on my trout.
Both: not bad.
Hey, what are these?
Well, you really haven't camped, have you?
They're marshmallows on a stick.
You put 'em in the fire.
All: ohh.
Everything's falling into place.
Yeah, but something isn't quite right.
Does it fit?
Mine does. Feels great.
Look out.
Ah...
hey, guys.
Who are you?
It's me, Tommy.
Well, you can't be Tommy.
Tommy looks like a girl.
Oh, no, I went to the megacuts.
Well, if you're Tommy, answer me this.
Are we, or are we not, aliens?
Yeah, Dick, we are.
Tommy!
I'm not gonna lie to you fellas.
Don likes the ladies.
So, uh, maybe you want to go get some lunch?
I'm on duty, and, uh--
I, oh, yeah...
I'm real hungry.
Open the door, Dick!
Sally, maybe Dick needs some time to cool off.
I know, but my bedroom's through his.
Can't it wait?
Yeah, I guess it can.
I just thought we could have sex now.
Dick!
Dick, I'm gonna count to 3,
and then I'm blowing the locks off!
Oh, look.
Where'd it go?
Where'd what go?
I don't know.
I'll just, uh, go grab my sweater, Ok?
Jeez!
Ahh!
I stole your underpants!
Oh, if you needed underpants , you could have just asked!
I took them because I'm a man,
and I couldn't resist touching something
that had been so close to you.
Really?
I'm so sorry.
I can't believe you, of all people,
would come into my house
and do something so damn swell!
You know we're talking underpants here?
Here, Don. Keep 'em.
And when you look at 'em, think of me.
Ok.
Oh, and--
take the bra.
It's a matching set, so...
god bless you!
Women.
[High-pitched voice] Women!
You can't live with them,
and you can't have heterosexual sex without them.
I was out with the boys,
and I actually noticed other women!
The skinny ones had beautiful cheek bones,
and the more ample ones-- well, let's just say--
♪ baby got back! ♪
Will someone please explain why I struck out last night
when all Sally had to do was grunt?
I don't know, Dick. Could be the boobs.
They are terrific.
Well, you could put an ad
in the personals.
You just describe yourself
and the kind of woman
you want to meet.
Ok, here, take this down.
Desperate, lonely white guy
seeks acclaimed beauty queen.
Runners up need not apply.
How about this?
"If you believe in miracles, love at first sight,
"and breakfast in bed,
contact me for adventures in truth."
[Gasps]
What a wonderful lie! Let's print it!
This weekend, Mary and I are celebrating our anniversary.
Anniversary of what?
The second anniversary of our first real date
and it's real date consequences.
Infer at will.
Oh! Ugh!
She's not even your girlfriend.
Well, we don't choose to restrict ourselves
with terms like "girlfriend" and "boyfriend."
We don't corral our emotions, no,
we let them run free on the open plains of ambiguity.
So Mary won't let you call her your girlfriend.
She prefers that I don't.
The odds of an earth woman
having a physical relationship with an extraterrestrial--
well, that's got to be about a billion to one.
Ohhhh!
Oh, Dr. Albright...
that was the greatest 30 seconds of my life!
This is the happiest day of my life,
and you look so beautiful!
And I look smashing in my tuxedo.
My bow tie matches my cummerbund.
You're not wearing a cummerbund.
Yes, I am.
You're supposed to wear it on the outside.
Oh.
That explains the rash.
Stop, stop!
You're ruining my tuxedo! Stop it!
Are you all right? Oh, Mary!
I had another one of those horrible dreams.
What happened?
We were getting married.
Thank you.
I'm not worried. When we first came here,
Mary hated me and I won her over.
I can do it again.
You really think so?
Of course.
She won't be able to stay away for long.
Not with an album full of naked pictures of me.
She has naked pictures of you?
Not yet. Harry, get the camera.